


we explode (like lights in the dark)

by unforchenate (neocxxlture)



Category: Monsta X (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bruises and Broken Bones, Hurt/Comfort, I will make them work for it though, Ice Skate!AU, Kihyun's POV, M/M, Slow Build, i swear it's a love story, mentions of depression, rest of mx and bangtan will make appearances
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-05
Updated: 2016-11-05
Packaged: 2018-08-29 06:25:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8478733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neocxxlture/pseuds/unforchenate
Summary: Kihyun hugs the skates to his chest, feeling happy to the brink. „Of course. I’m gonna become the best. I promise.“





	

**Author's Note:**

> everything i know about ice skating i learned from wikipedia. please enjoy

_I see my breath pushing steam through the air  
Shaking hands run through my hair_

 

Kihyun gets introduced to ice skating when he’s just six years old.

He may be a bit sick but he still convinces his mom to go to the downtown toy store with him – he loves looking at the various toys, loves playing with them – and she relents after he begs _please please please_ and there’s snot running from his nose that she gently vipes away and says "Okay, okay, let’s go.“ She never was able to resist when he pouts.

Wrapped up in two giant fluffy scarves on top of a sweather and jacket with ears poking out of a woolen cap, Kihyun walks with his mom to town. They walk slowly and hand in hand because there’s snow on the ground and it’s slippery and dangerous. He almost falls once, but his mom doesn’t let him – her grip is strong and sure and she hugs him afterwards, "Look out, Kihyunie.“

He nods and a few minutes later, they’re entering the toy store.

For a kid (he’d argue that he’s not a kid, but he _is, in here he is)_ the shop is a land of miracles and wonders. Kihyun spends a greater part of an hour playing with other children in a corner and is loathe to leave when his mum tugs at his hand, patient and tender, "Time to go, darling.“

He asks for the toy in his hand – it‘s a robot, Kihyun _loves_ robots – but she shakes her head no. "I’ll buy it for you next time, hm?“

He knows she won’t, but he lets go of the robot anyway.

They don’t return home the same way they’ve come, instead opting for a safer, though longer, route. These roads aren’t as covered in treacherous ice and they feel safer, even when the wind picks up and rain and snowflakes whip at their faces.

They pass a lake, and that’s the first time Kihyun sees people skating over the frozen water – his heart jumps in his chest, because the ice looks so frail, he’s sure it’ll give out under them.

There are three skaters circling around each other, dancing, and the ice holds.

Kihyun can’t stop watching.

They stop to regard the skaters; they aren’t close to the lake, but he can see them well anyway – there’s a boy and two girls, and they all look like angels.

They slide along the ice as if they were made of ribbons and wind.

Kihyun thinks it’s beautiful – he’s never seen anything quite like it before, but this is what he assumes beauty looks like.

Then two of the skaters start skating the same way, like a choreography; Kihyun thinks he can faintly hear music, but it may just be the noises their blades make on the ice.

His asks his mom, "What is that?“

Her voice carries the note of confusion as she answers, "Skaters.“

Kihyun shakes his head, "But they’re nothing like the skaters I have seen.“

She laughs then, tugging on his hand, "These are figure skaters. Come on, let’s go home.“

He lets himself be steered away, but he can’t stop thinking about them.

_Figure skaters._

_\--_

It takes Kihyun five days to cure his sickness, and on the sixth, he goes out and heads straight for the lake.

He’s disappointed when there’s nobody there. He can see the ice has thawed and cracked and it feels like a punch to the gut.

He returns home, head hung low and his spirits down.

 

\--

 

During dinner a few days later, his mom and dad talk about nothing and everything and he’s eating his food and not listening when his mom suddenly pats his hair and laughs, gently, "We’ve seen figure skaters, didn’t we, Kihyunie?“

His head shots up and he can see his dad is smiling too, "Well, I’m glad you’ve been well while I’ve been gone. Did you like the skaters, Kihyun?“

He says _yes yes I did_ and almost chokes on a bean in the process.

His dad shows him an article in the newspapers then, and Kihyun’s never liked the newspapers because they are _boring –_ but there’s a picture of a female skater in a beautiful white suit on a hockey ice rink and his mouth hangs open.

He didn’t know this was a sport.

It’s a  _sport._

His dad reads the article to him, and then Kihyun starts asking questions. Most of which his dad doesn’t know the answer to ("I’m not a skater, Kihyunie.“) but that doesn’t stop him from telling Kihyun as much as he is able and then he leads Kihyun to the TV, promising that if he’s lucky, he could catch a glimpse of the championships.

They don’t manage it that evening, but the next day his dad checks the program and figures out when skating will be on and Kihyun is so _excited._

He watches it in awe – they’re so beautiful it seems unreal. There are boys and girls and sometimes boys _with_ girls, skating or dancing or maybe both at once.

He doesn’t understand what the man who’s commenting says – funny words he’s never heard before and numbers that mean nothing to him but he takes it all in and is left wanting _more much more_ when the program ends, way too soon.

He decides that night, and announces it the very next morning, "Mom, dad, I want to become a figure skater when I grow up!“

They smile at him at first, but then they see that he _means this,_ and their faces freeze.

"Kihyunie,“ his mom sits beside him, takes his hand in hers, "I don’t think that’s possible.“

He argues, "Why not?“

She searches his eyes, and then looks at his dad helplessly. He says, "You’re old enough to understand that you have to follow a dream that’s not impossible.“

He doesn’t understand. It’s possible – there are people out there who do this.

"What your dad meant is,“ his mom tries to explain, carefully, "It’s impossible for _us_. Kihyunie,“ she squeezes his hand, "We can’t afford it.“

It’s a spike to his heart; it takes the breath out of him, makes him so mad – not mad at them, but just _mad –_ and he runs to his room as they call after him.

He buries himself under a blanket and cries and a few minutes later his mom comes to comfort him.

He cries in her arms and confesses to her, "It’s unfair.“

She kisses the top of his head, "I know. I know.“

 

\--

 

He sulks for three whole days after that, and then starts watching the TV again.

This time when he sees a boy skate a routine, he feels a weird mixture of adoration and jealousy.

They all pretend not to notice when he wipes his face clean of fresh tears.

 

\--

 

In the next few months winter takes its leave and leaves a vacancy for spring and its gentle, careful warmth.

The ice on the lake melts completely and what is left is only mud and green water, but everytime Kihyun walks by, he can see the ghosts of his skaters – dark figures against stark white background, breathtaking, heartstopping and ethereal.

He keeps the memory tugged into a bright corner of his heart and never quite lets go of the hope that _maybe_ , _one day, that could be me._

_\--_

Two years later, his mom and dad sit him down in the living room and look at him with so much kindness and happiness it creeps him out a bit.

When his mom says, "Kihyunie, do you still want to skate?“ he think he’s dreaming or he’s dead, because this is too good to be _true._

He nods though, of course he still wants to skate, that’s all he ever wants to do, all he daydreams about during boring classes at school, and his dad gives him a box that’s much heavier than it seems at first glance.

"Open it.“

Inside he finds skates. Not like the ones hockey players wear, these are sleek and elegant and look frail and stunning in their pure black fashion.

He cries, because he’s so happy.

"How?“ he asks, when he finds his voice again.

His mom hugs him across the shoulders, "We’ve been saving up. We want you to be happy.“

His dad adds, "You have to practice hard.“

Kihyun hugs the skates to his chest, feeling happy to the brink. "Of course. I’m gonna become the best. I promise.“

 

\--

 

They find him a Coach not too long after that.

He starts the training, and it’s way different from what he’d imagined.

His coach is an old lady called Mrs Kim that wears too much perfume and snarks too much even if her students don’t make any mistakes.

Kihyun makes a  _lot_ of mistakes.

It takes months for him to learn how to stand on skates properly, and longer to learn how to move in them the right way. It takes endless practice, cuts and bruises and tears, but in the end it’s all worth it; despite the pain and the tight, troubled feeling in his chest, despite the Coach Kim snarling at him and lecturing, he falls in love with skating more and more and all over again every time he’s let out on the ice.

He goes to school in the morning and in the afternoon he goes to practice, and in a couple years, he enters his first tournament.

He does not win. He’s so nervous he messes up too much and then he feels so bad about it he hides in the bathroom and vomits his guts out. He feels like he’s failed – his parents, his coach, himself.

It takes a while for him to stop trembling in the stall and then a while more before he can stand up without the fear of falling over. He quickly washes his face in the sink and doesn’t spare a look at himself in the mirror, disgusted.

He leaves the bathroom and is about to go to his locker room to gather his stuff when he hears a frail voice of a girl, "I liked the boy in the blue suit!“

Somebody answers her, "The one that fell down a lot? Why did you like him?“

The girl hums and says, "Because he still got up and continued even after he fell down!“

Kihyun turns on his heel to get away as fast as he’s able. He feels suffocated.

 

\--

 

The next day when he comes to practice he keeps his head low and eyes trained on the ground, unable to look at Coach Kim.

He expects her to be more cranky than usual, to scold him, or to send him home.

She sits him down on a bench and talks to him instead.

"You were the only student I sent to the championship.“

He’s ready to apologize, only if his lungs didn’t feel like they were both simultaneously on fire and frozen. She continues on, and her voice carries across the empty rink. "You were the only student good enough to participate. I knew you weren’t ready. I never expected you to win.“

He looks up at her then, surprised at her mild tone, confused by her words, "What- what do you mean?“

"I mean you’ve got a long way to go. Don’t you think?“

He shakes his head, lost, "Why, then? Why would you send me if you knew I couldn‘t—“ He can’t force the words out.

She looks into the distance, past the rink and the rows of seats bathed in shadows. "If I knew you could not win?“ He looks at the ground again as she continues. "I believe in a lot of stuff, boy. For example, I believe there’s much to learn from one’s mistakes or failure.“

Kihyun doesn’t understand. She goes on, "Experience is a solid teacher and failure can be a good motivator. I took a risk sending you out there yesterday, but I liked my chances. It could have gone two ways, you see.“ She gives him a pointed look. "Your incompetence would either result in you quitting, or in the resolution to work harder than ever before.“ He meets her eyes. Her gaze stings more visciously than ice. "Do you want to quit, boy?“

A million thoughts fly through his mind at once, all mingling together and morphing, but one thing he is sure of – he never wants to quit.

He shakes his head, "No.“

She gives a curt nod and stands up, "I believe in your passion, boy. And in due time, I know that you _will_ win.“ She waves her hand at him impatiently. "Now, get moving. Warm-up. We haven’t got all day.“

 

\--

 

That week Coach Kim makes him watch his performance from the championships every evening while she has him point out to her what he did wrong.

It’s not easy, the first time and the other times he’s forced to look at himself fumble and fall on the ice, but after a few reruns, it gets at least bearable.

Then she has him go over the entire routine again and again while he still has to recite figures to her, and he’s surprised at the end of the week that it _helps._

He’s sure it’s not the most efficient method, but it works. He lands his figures almost perfectly, gets a better hold on twists he couldn’t do before.

It ignites a furious flame of hope in his heart.

 

\--

 

There are two other championships the next year that he participates in.

First is a smaller, local one. He does well, although still not enough to win. It doesn’t hurt him, though. He never expected to win. He keeps his head held high and a smile plastered to his face as he talks to the other contestants, other coaches. It’s not his time, _not yet, not yet._

The second championship takes place in a city four hours away from his hometown. His family travel early in the morning and meet Coach Kim in front of the hotel they’re all staying at.

Coach Kim takes him to the stadium, and has him go over his new choreography only once before she gives him a curt smile.

He’s sure it’s the first time he’s seeing it. It looks out of place on her face, although it does make his skin prick with a bit of pride.

"It’s time you show them you’re coming for what’s yours,“ she says.

 

\--

 

He lands third place.

He thinks he should be disappointed, but interestingly, it’s quite the opposite.

He can see Coach Kim looking at him through the plexiglass, that viscious, small smile lining her lips.

It’s just the beginning.

 

\--

 

Kihyun turns fourteen, and a girl from school asks him out on a date.

He declines, politely. She’s nice, but he doesn’t have time. His entire life revolves around practice, that’s the only thing he knows.

Her expression turns sad, but she smiles and apologizes to him before running away.

He keeps thinking about her at practice that afternoon, and he’s so distracted that Coach Kim drags him to the bench and gives him a stern look. "You’re not focused.“

"I’m sorry,“ he looks at his clasped hands in his lap.

She regards him for a moment, and then sighs to herself. "I’ll give you thirty minutes to pull yourself back together.“

She leaves him there, alone, only the rink keeping him company.

He’s not even sure what’s really bothering him, if he’s honest.

He keeps seeing the girl’s upset face on the backs of his eyelids.

 

\--

 

Kihyun’s never really thought about dating.

It wasn’t like he didn’t feel the emotions and urges that came with being a teenage boy (because he did, thank you very much), but having a crush wasn’t a point too high up on his list of priorities.

His friends in school liked to tease him about it.

They’d talk about girls and short skirts and pretty hair and when they’d ask Kihyun if there was a girl he liked, somebody would say in a laugh, "Of course not. He’s in love with ice.“

He’d argue that that wasn’t true, but they wouldn’t understand anyway.

He finds the girl in the hallway one day, and asks if she’d still like to go out with him. She happily agrees.

He’s not too sure why he did it, but he guesses it won’t hurt him to try.

And the girl seems nice.

 

\--

 

They go to the movies on Saturday, the only day he doesn’t have practice.

It’s not a terrible "date“, but it isn’t terribly good, either.

At the end of it, he sees the girl to her house.

They stand on the sidewalk awkwardly and she keeps looking up at him hopefully, cheeks blushed.

He think she’s expecting him to kiss her goodbye.

He should kiss her goodbye.

He doesn’t want to kiss her goodbye.

He gives her a smile, and bows clumsily. Thanks her for a great day. Says _see you in school._

She looks disappointed.

In school, she pretends not to notice him whenever he walks by.

He thinks, _just as well._

He’s not ready to date yet.

 

_\--_

Kihyun is watching the sports channel as he does everyday when he first sees him.

The channel is showing a report of a Winter Tournament taking place that week in some faraway city.

He watches mostly for inspiration, but he perks up when there’s a boy skating to a piano piece. That alone is nothing unusual, but this particular song features _rap_.

The boy is small and thin and Kihyun thinks he’s going to snap in half as he does a combination of twists and, miraculously, lands each of them perfectly to the rhythm of the music.

Kihyun thinks it might be the most amazing thing he’s ever seen.

He catches the boy’s name.

_Min Yoongi._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this'll be a tricky ride guys  
> also you can @ me on twitter @unforchenate


End file.
